The World I Want to Live In

Mom squeezing the day … and her beloved grandson.

I’m back in my sidecar after a month of mourning my mother’s death, celebrating her legacy with family, friends and community, and sorting through memories and mementos as my siblings and I readied our childhood home for sale. It’s been a whirlwind of emotions and activity. As my mother would have summed it up: “I don’t know whether I’m coming or going.”

I’m grateful that I took the time and space to be present with the swirl. (And I’m so grateful to you, my Sidecar community, for the many ways you’ve supported me through this.) I found myself so full of appreciation for the way my mother lived her life.  She did so passionately, intentionally, playfully, and very much on her own terms. An oft-repeated phrase from recent years, when we children would chide her for things like not locking her front door (despite rising crime rates in her neighborhood), or preferring tight hugs over tight masks during the COVID period, or inviting barely-vetted people needing a break to live in her basement  (for free) until they were back on their feet, was: “That’s not the world I want to live in.” Her meaning: She didn’t want to live in a world where she was scared of break-ins, scared of contracting a virus from loved ones, scared of potentially bad intentions from those whom she felt she was helping out. And guess what? No one broke into her house. She didn’t get COVID. Her ‘basement dwellers’ got back on their feet and moved out and on, always coming back for tea and conversation.

In reflecting on her life, I realized how much she had done to create the world she wanted to live in. Robbed of a secure childhood in her native Ireland (her mother died when she was 12; her family dissipated shortly thereafter), she took lessons from Julie Andrews (The Sound of Music and Mary Poppins came out during her early years of motherhood) to nurture a safe, loving, educational and whimsical home for her children. Convinced that being Irish was a mark of inferiority by her British boarding school classmates, she perfected a British accent to the point of earning top marks in said boarding school for elocution, and using that accent to powerful effect throughout the course of her life. Having witnessed the challenged relationship of her parents, she injected her marriage to my dad with all the love languages (a folder of love letters between them, spanning the course of their marriage, was placed on top of things she wanted us to treasure when she died). Having relocated to relatively simple Billings, Montana after years spent in sophisticated London and San Francisco (my dad was a charmer!), she put her prodigious imagination and energy into building up the city’s cultural offerings – even starting an opera company! Denied access to top universities that her intelligence and grades would have granted her yet her financial situation at the time didn’t, she pursued two Masters degrees and eventually her EdD when we kids were old enough for her to let up on her concentrated mothering. Her courses in the humanities at Rocky Mountain College and in religious studies through various platforms received rave reviews from her students, grateful for how she made learning accessible and fun. An avid globe trotter, she brought the essence of her exotic travels back to our home in Billings. Tablecloths from Provence, icons from Russia, teacups from England, carpets from Turkey, and various objets from other lands adorned our walls, floors and shelves. It’s no wonder her 6 children have well-stamped passports and strong global interests.

Perhaps most of all, she created community however she could. From her Monday night neighborhood knitting circle to monthly gatherings of other ‘foreign-born women’ living in Billings, Friday morning breakfasts with fellow exercisers at the YMCA to lunch celebrations with her ‘birthday club,’ Christmas caroling parties at our house to ‘Town and Gown’ events featuring interesting speakers she enticed to Billings ... She was a believer in the importance of coming together, whether bound by geography, birth year, gender, shared interest, or simply a desire for good conversation over a gin and tonic or cup of tea.

The turnout at her funeral and the tributes we her family received as her community learned of her passing are testimony that the world she wanted to live in – and therefore created – was one that others wanted to live in too.

I can think of no more appropriate way to honor my mother’s legacy than to embrace her approach to life: Create the world you want to live in. Surely a mighty challenge these days when so much of what I’ve taken for granted now seems upended (not least of which is: having a mother with whom to enjoy good conversation over a cup of tea!) And yet … I’m looking at areas over which I do have agency, small habits and behaviors I can adopt that are a nod to her and align with my values. A short list that comes to mind:

·       Make an ordinary moment an occasion; use the fancy dishes and turn on some nice music. As Mom liked to say: “We’ll make the ordinary extraordinary.”

·       Pursue adventure; it can simply mean doing something unpredictable, like going on a walk in a part of town you don’t know well. Ask me about Mom’s ‘Frog and Toad’ outings on Fridays.

·       Protect time for yourself. Set boundaries. When someone is making excessive demands on you, channel your inner Elizabeth: “N-O spells NO!” (Bonus points for saying this with a sharp British accent.)

·       Listen to other people’s stories. You’ll make them feel important and you might just learn something.

·       Regard your community as an extension of your home. If you respect, nurture and appreciate it, it will do same for you.

·       Tell people you love and admire that you love and admire them. As Mom urged, “Don’t just keep them guessing!”.

·       Read more poetry (especially Mary Oliver). Another Mom-ism: “With a poem in your pocket you’ll never be lonely.”

·       Take care about how you dress. It needn’t be fancy or uncomfortable, but thoughtful dressing makes you feel better about yourself and is, as another wise woman once told me, “a kindness to others.” Mom always looked great, even in her tracksuit (she was an avid runner into her 80s).

·       Be a lifelong learner. And not just about your favorite topics. Stimulate your brain cells with new subjects.

·       Treat yourself to little luxuries (e.g. nice coffee), despite your financial situation. A favorite Mom saying: “If you have a dollar to buy a loaf of bread, buy half a loaf and lilies.”

·       When you simply don’t know what to think or do, try standing on your head. It will surely offer a new perspective.

·       Remember that Mother Nature is still full of surprises, not all of them scary. Go out and delight in her company.

·       Remember that there is very little that a nice cup of tea or a good stiff gin and tonic can’t resolve, if one assumes good intent and a spirit of curiosity.

·       Bend towards trust. (And … lock your doors at night.)

Perhaps the number one saying that Mom became known for, that summarized her view on how to live life, oft repeated during these final days of bidding farewell to her and celebrating her legacy, is her own twist on a classic: “Carpe Diem! Squeeze The Day!” I take that as her urging to Be Present, to Be Grateful, to Revel In The Moment, to Delight in the world God and Mother Nature made. Because that, ultimately, is the world we live in. Let’s act like it. Let’s squeeze it for all it’s worth! (And I don’t mean deplete it of its delightful natural resources.)

I’m here in my sidecar to help guide you toward the world you want to live in. We can discuss over a nice cup of tea or a stiff gin and tonic with a squeeze of lime (as long as we’re off your motorcycle!).

Yours in squeezing the day, and creating the world we want to live in,

Bridget

UPDATE: Doors are open to register for Sidecar Summit Spain 2025, with a pushed-back early bird deadline of March 1. Save your spot and $200! The theme is WONDER. What a wonder-ful opportunity to dwell in a) a wonder-inspired location, and b) ideas about the world you want to live in, which will surely inspire your leadership.